Butterflies and Hurricanes
by EmbryTheInsane
Summary: Self inserts. The bane of fanfiction. And I'm ACTUALLY trying it. I wasn't happy. But I was here. I did the impossible and now Embry Abdul is stuck in the world of Harry Potter. No powers. No clue. Just a knowledge of the series and fanfiction. So what do I do? Apply for the Muggle Studies position at Hogwarts. It's a simple change. But butterflies have caused hurricanes for less.
1. Prolouge: Set in Motion

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, he'd be paired with Luna. And I'd be rich enough to buy a small country. Which I'm not.

Okie-dokie! You know that thing where people stick someone from our world into a fandom? Yeah that's what I'm doing. Why? Because I was laughing at Mary Sues and terrible SIs when I got it into my pretty little head to try something. God help us all.

ON WITH THE SHOW!

It was a boring day. As in, poke-a-rock-for-shits-and-giggles boring. A really _dull _rock.

This was absolutely ridiculous! It was summer, mid July of all things and there was nothing to do. It was too hot to go outside. It was still too early to meet up with Mai and Kree. And, worst of all, she couldn't find a good fanfiction to read!

It was maddening! It was boring! It was… it was… ugh someone please just shoot her. She snagged an old favorite from her bookshelf before resigned herself to a dull hour before heading out for shopping and dinner with friends. Flipping through the familiar pages of _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_, she walked out the door.

And fell through a fucking puddle. Seriously.

She thrashed as she sank into the viscous black puddle, her book strangely clear through the panic. And then the flashes began.

Green light. _Avada Kedavra_.

Flying motorcycle.

"Vernon!"

Harry Hunting.

Spiders in the cupboard under the stairs.

"Shut up, boy!"

~Thanks, amigo~

BOOM!

"Harry - Yer a wizard."

And then she woke up. On a bench. In London.

She whimpered. "Why couldn't today stay boring?"

I know what you're expecting. Amazingly, she gains absurd magical prowess and joins Hogwarts. She turns into a great asset for the light side. She's the second coming of Merlin. She takes out Voldemort. She's Harry's older sister from another dimension. But, nope, that curly haired, seventeen year old is just a pathetic, ordinary girl who tumbled down the rabbit hole. Her clothes don't conceal a wand. Her mind has only the knowledge of a book series and a load of fanfiction to help her. How do I know? Well, that girl is me, Embry Abdul. And, God, am I screwed!

...

In that moment, the butterfly changed the beat of its wings. And a story was retold.


	2. Chapter 1: Panic Plans

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, he'd be paired with Luna. And I'd be rich enough to buy a small country. Which I'm not.

Okay, I'm an idiot. I've faced up to the fact. But I'm a damn lucky idiot, I can tell you that.

After sitting on the bench in my frizzy haired, wet jeaned glory, I took inventory. My clothes were fine if a bit damp. I had my purse slung over my shoulder. While that was soaked, my wallet was miraculously dry. I had, if I was lucky, three hundred dollars in there. American dollars. That wouldn't last long even if I found a place to get it all exchanged. The book was sitting innocently beside me.

Then I caught sight of a newspaper. 1991. That's when it really hit me. I was in _Britain_. I was in the _past_. I fell through a _puddle_. I was in a _fictional universe_. _I fell through a fucking puddle!_

I laughed like a mad woman. "This is not happening! This is SO not happening!" I really tried to convince myself that I was dreaming. That my mom would shake me awake on the couch and my sister would be snarking at me for being lazy. That my dad would be yelling at me for getting paint on the hardwood and my friends would be waiting at the mall for me. Some oddly rational part of my mind noted that denial really wasn't just a river in Egypt. I'm not quite sure what happened after that. Hysteria does that to you, I guess. Next thing I knew, it was morning and I was lying on the same stupid bench.

I cursed. Violently. I had really hoped it was a dream.

Freaking out was a luxury that I couldn't afford. I needed to figure out what to do. I couldn't get home, obviously. What are the odds of falling through _another_ evil, magic puddle? Unless I did, I was stuck in the Harry Potter universe. And I had NOTHING but the clothes on my back, a ratty purse, and the book. I didn't have records. I didn't have credentials. A job beyond flipping burgers would be near impossible to procure. I was homeless and alone… And I was running out of options.

I could have tried getting in contact with past relatives, if they even existed in this dimension. I snorted. _That_ would have gone over well. The idea was quickly nixed.

Maybe I could get in contact with the wizarding world? Someone probably knew something about how to get out of my predicament. I knew that world like the back of my hand; at least the parts in the books and fanfiction couldn't have been a complete waste. My lack of papers could be easily explained away as being an American muggle. Most of the wizards thought we (the non-magicals) were still primitive from what I could glean from the books. Their knowledge of the muggle world would be slim to none and highly incorrect. They would know even less about another country's muggle world. Yes, the wizarding world was my best bet. However, I was a normal person. A muggle. The likelihood that I'd even be able to see Leaky Cauldron was slim. And I couldn't remember the pub's address.

The only thing I could think to do was wander and pray I got lucky.

It was late in the day when I finally stopped walking. And me feet were KILLING me! Let me tell you, female shoes are meant for aesthetic pleasure, not comfort. I mean, jeez! It felt like my feet were bleeding. Oddly I was more worried that the blood would stain my shoes than I was about the bloody blisters themselves… Well, they _were_ really cute shoes.

I just leaned against a shop window. I was TIRED. I didn't want to move. After checking the book, all I could tell was the famous wizarding establishment was between a book shop and a record store. As descriptive as that was (note the sarcasm), it wasn't enough for me to find the fictional pub.

I spent what felt like forever staring at the ground until someone started mumbling behind me. Someone mumbling about awful muggle fashion.

I turned and, lo-and-behold McGonagall, clad in a (rather hideous) business suit, exited the door behind me. My first thought was how similar she looked to her actor in the movies.

Told you I was a lucky idiot.

Notice how I said 'idiot' as the first words out of my mouth were something along the lines of "OMG! Minnie McGonagall! AAHHHHHH!" It was far from my finest moment, but at least it got her attention.

After the initial freak out, I got around to doing what I do best. Bullshitting. Yes, yes I know! I lied to the Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts. Shame on me and let my soul burn in hell and all that. Whatever. You would have done the same thing!

I spun an elaborate story of my misplacement in Britain by a witch friend who said I should get teaching experience in another country. I was supposed to be a tutor for Muggle Studies, explaining away my lack of magic. My papers were forgotten with my 'friend' who was currently on an expedition for magical artifacts in Brazil. There would be no way to contact her.

Of course she was skeptical. She wasn't an idiot. My story had holes the size of Canada and I had no proof of my admittedly slapdash story.

She agreed to take me to Hogwarts though. She had no reason to suspect me. And hopefully, I would give her no reason to.

* * *

HI! Okay I know that Embry/I is kinda random but she's/I'm supposed to be that way! It's a self insert and this is actually how I act. And chapters should be getting longer after she/I make it to Hogwarts.

So yeah... Review. I love feedback.


	3. Welcome to Wonderland

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, he'd be paired with Luna. And I'd be rich enough to buy a small country. Which I'm not.

* * *

Floo travel must have formally been a torture technique. Or maybe it was just me.

But back to the beginning! The building I had been leaning on? It was the Leaky Cauldron. Go figure huh? I waited in a booth at the magic pub for approximately ten minutes before Minerva, as I had been asked to call her, escorted me to the fireplace. My guess was that she was warning Dumbledore. I couldn't blame her, after all, it's not every day a foreign muggle wanders up to a witch, asking for a job. I could have been just about anyone.

After stepping into a fire (which I firmly believed was going to burn me to a crisp! Seriously, how does Floo Travel even work?) and spinning around in what amounted to a tiny, annoying tube, I flew out of the fireplace and smacked into a chair. I cursed. What was with this place and its evil, inanimate objects? First the magic puddle, then the fireplace and chair double team to take me down. Honestly.

"Are you quite alright, my dear girl?" And then I nearly had a panic attack.

_ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod (mental gasp) ohmygodOHMYFU-_

I looked up to see Dumbledore in pink monkey patterned robes watching me worriedly over the top of his desk. I had been so busy cussing out the chair I hadn't noticed even noticed THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN WIZARDING BRITAIN sitting right in front of me. He office was as interesting as the series described it as: colorful, cluttered, and intriguing. A good chunk of those little gadgets looked steampunk with little gears and emitted puffs of smoke. Another chunk were sleek and metallic looking like they were pulled straight out of a scifi movie. The rest were... indescribably magical. The color scheme was dominated by rich jewel tones while tapestries and portraits hung around me, either sleeping or staring at me, scandalized by my choice words.

"Lemon drop?" I stared.

I took it, feeling a bit like Alice at the Mad Hatter's tea party.

"Miss Abdul, was it? Minerva has informed me of your, let's say, unique circumstances. Could you tell me what exactly qualifies you to teach Muggle Studies?"

I was still fiddling with the lemon drop he had given me. I remembered all the fanfictions where he put truth potions in them or tracking charms or even spiked them with LSD. It wasn't likely but I WAS a fan of Manipulative!Dumbledore. Half my mind was saying _Say something, stupid. SAY ANYTHING!_ The other half was laughing hysterically. What I thought was my self preservation was howling at the rest of my mind, telling me that it wasn't too late to check into the funny farm.

Idly I wondered if I was hyperventilating.

"I'm a muggle." _Wow, Embry, way to state the obvious. Like that's going to convince FREAKING DUMBLEDORE that you're qualified to teach a boatload of HIS students!_ Mentally, I smacked myself.

"I mean," I backtracked hoping I hadn't blown any chance I had already. "I'm familiar with the muggle world in a way that most of the purely wizard raised and even half bloods aren't. Even most muggleborns lose the firm, integration they once had with the world they were born into after they enter wizarding school."

Seeing as I now had Dumbledore's full attention or at least his curiosity, I gathered my courage and plowed ahead. "While I may be young, my age allows me to better connect to the students. I have also had experience in teaching make-up classes during the summer months for community service hours. Due to my lack of magical prowess and age, I'll be able to simulate what the true Muggle experience is. Additionally my foreign background allows me a more diverse and generalized criteria so I can identify what aspects of the course are Muggle oriented versus British oriented." _The fuck am I saying? At least it sounds professional._

Throughout the conversation my eyes never met the wizened old man's, looking studiously at a crevice in his nose to avoid his Legilimency enforced gaze. Despite my caution, I still felt like he could read me like a book. It was like he could cut straight through every defense I could think to throw up. At that moment, he terrified me.

But I stood my ground. I _needed _this, dammit! A freaky old man was not going to scare me away.

We stared at each other until Dumbledore's beard twitched giving the impression that he was smiling. The severe lines around his eyes softened and a full blown grin transformed his face, making him look more like the eccentric grandfather that book!Harry became acquainted with than the previous ''Great And Powerful Wizard' thing he had going for him.

"That's certainly an interesting perspective, Miss Abdul." Holy Sh- The books said his eyes twinkled. They didn't say he had his eyeballs were made of freaking Christmas lights! That just wasn't natural. "I hope to see an improved turn out in Muggle Studies this year. I'll leave it to Minerva to give you the grand tour, hmm?"

Distracted as I was, it took me a moment to understand that_ Yes_ I got the job and _No_ I wasn't going to be mind wiped and left in a ditch to be found by hobos.

"Cool." I grinned in relief. "So are we finalizing this now? Do I need a contract or something?"

Dumbledore's eyes started twinkling again. "Ah, how could I forget?"

He yanked open the desk drawer and stuck his arm halfway to his shoulder in then pulled out a stack of papers as thick as a pocket dictionary. As my smile froze and my eyes bulged in despair and alarm, he dropped them to the desk with an ominous _fwump._

"Just read these over and fill out all the corresponding areas. I trust you can do that? Oh dear, you are looking rather pale, is something wrong?"

I continued to stare in horror at the pile of paperwork in front of me. _Damn you, Headmaster Twinkle Toes._

Somewhere out there, I just knew some higher power was laughing at me.

* * *

AN::

Dear GOD! FINALLY! FINISHED! This chapter totally kicked my ass. BUT I DID IT! I FINISHED IT! **VICTORY!** *cough* Ahem... Please ignore the mental breakdown...

But seriously, this was meant to be up back in November but I couldn't figure out how to write this part. Really, I have no excuse. Next chapter should be out sooner. SHOULD.

Anyway, the review box is your friend so give me feedback and I will give you virtual cookies.

Until Next Time!


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